A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as: "Critical Morass."
You practically salivate at the sound of rainfall, snowfall, well it is almost as good as sex.
Men just look better with a paddle/oars in their hands.
Those oars and paddles better not be your oars and paddles.
If it is Christmas or your birthday you are getting boating gear as presents.
You watch mother ducks with her ducklings, not becuse they are cute but because she is the best damn teacher of ferry lines around. It is really a bonus to watch them run a rapid!
"Waterproof" means "a little damp" or "might-float"
You may call your kids by the wrong name, but you never mix up your boats.
You like men in skirts.
Your e-mail address has something to do with rivers.
You spend every weekend and vacation with a bunch of guys but you aren’t dating any of them.
You own more sarongs than bras.
You can strip down to naked and change your clothes in the open, in front of other people, and not think twice about it.
You can't drive over a bridge without looking for water under it.
Your hairstyle is dictated by if it looks okay with a helmet on. Or after the helmet comes off!
Your husband/boyfriend says you love your boat and your boat'n buddies more then him, he is jealous because they are mostly guys, you don’t get it, your last boyfriend said the same thing. These guys are your boatin buddies nothing more. Why doesn’t he understand?
You personally know someone (usually the owner) at every boating supply store in your 6 state region. You have also boated with most of them.
If you have to pee, you can drop drawers, and go... no matter who is around
You can cheerfully wave at the rafts going by while you are sitting on the groover
Your idea of a complete first aid kit is a roll of duct tape and superglue and monistat.
You spend more on Sunscreen than on hair care and makeup combined.
You choose a new car based on whether or not your rack system will fit it or if it can tow your trailer.
You don’t have to think about what to wear in a hot spring.
You call your buddies in order of shuttle ability.
You drive a truck that can tow your boat and trailer. Men compliment you on your boyfriends/husband’s truck. It is your truck.
You go to a formal function in the winter and the only formal you own is off the shoulder, people ask if you have a skin disorder but you still have PFD lines in January.
You take up skiing/snowboarding to have something to do during the off season. Besides snow is frozen water!
If your boyfriend buys you a high floation PFD made for a woman, you know it is love.
You know what a female relief zipper is and you own several articles of clothing equipped with them.
Your idea of complimentary traits in a boyfriend is if one of you kayaks and one of you rows a rig so you can go on longer trips.
You know it is time to trade in the boyfriend if he bogarts your oars before the best rapids.
You measure major purchases relative to the cost of a new boat... ('Hmmm, that new computer will cost me about 1/2 raft unit or 2.5 kayak units')
River lingere is coolmax underwear - it dries quickly
You have all the snowpack and streamflow charts for your 6 state region on your favorites list on your computer.
Every once in a while you touch your paddle, just to touch it...every once in a while you let go of your paddle, just to eat something.
You have a kayak or canoe that doubles as a coffee/dining table.
Your boats are worth more than all of your furniture combined!
You know what PVC and hypalon are, you know the difference between them, the difference in how they are repaired and you can repair both.
You can repair a frame or a kayak on the river but you can’t change your own oil in your car.
You have a wetsuit that's wet from March to October.
Your Mom has stopped saying "be careful this weekend".
Your Mom has also stopped saying "Go where the men are so you can get married." You are where the men are and you are no closer to giving her grandchildren!
Your Mom stopped trying to get you to pick out china and silver patterens and now buys you lexan for gifts.
Your river pots and pans are as nice or nicer than what is in your kitchen.
"Wet, sticky hole" and "blowing a ferry" in casual conversation don't give you pause...
When looking at a new house your first consideration is; Is the garage big enough to hold my boats? The second; Is the lot big enough to build a boat/trailer shed on?
You have missed a child’s birthday because you were on the Grand Canyon or the Salmon, or the Rogue.
You search the country for a place to live for it's proximity to year round whitewater.
You feel all mushy inside when your boyfriend gives you a drytop for Christmas. A full drysuit with a female relief zipper is better then a diamond.
You know that if a river man fixes or adds something on your rig you are engaged............. at least until the take out or the season is over.
You can't look at water in a gutter without imagining tiny runs and miniature waves and holes.
You reinforce the boat shed better than the house, because in case of an earth quake, you and your boyfriend can get out on your own power. Your boat(s) needs to be protected.
You started with a little fishing boat, but now you have the 18' gear hauler for big water, The 16' raft for family trips, the 14' oar rig for when you and the boyfriend want to get away by yourselves, the two duckies for the kids, the 12 ft play cat for day trips, your flatwater canoe, your whitewater canoe, your squirt boat, and your older kayak, then there's the boats you store at your divorced buddy's house so your boyfriend won't know you bought them.
If you are on the river with the right person, you know that whitewater is an important form of foreplay.
"No problem," said the guide. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the kayakers picked up one of the rafter's shoes, hawked up from deep in his throat, and spat in it. When the guide returned with the coke, the other kayaker said, "Hey, that looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the guide obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other kayaker picked up the second shoe and did as his companion had done. The guide returned, and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight exchanging those "Oh, shit, and there I was" tales. As hte plane was landing, the guide slipped on his shoes and, as he did not wear socks, knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the guide lamented to himself. "This competition between our respective river passions? This animosity? This contempt for one another? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Here's a humorous trip report from Rainey Falls on the Rogue