We came out of that hole in catapult fashion with the bow angled up about 45 degrees and a bad list to starboard resulting in an immediate roll over flip. Jack was fortunate enough to immediately surface inside the raft enclosure where the passenger’s feet rest. Since we had switched approximate locations because of the flipping of the raft, he was now at the front of the craft and I was at the rear area. This was a bad spot for me as I was pinned under the cargo section. I had a difficult time pushing away from this part of the raft due to the fact that I had decided to borrow Scott’s ultra buoyant life jacket for the ride. His hundred dollar life preserver just about killed me. The third time I pushed down and off of whatever was preventing me from surfacing I came up with my mouth facing upward and lips pursed in my best sucker fish imitation in the hopes that my lips would find an air pocket next time I hit whatever was above me as I was just flat out of air and it was time to breath. Fortunately I surfaced inside the rower’s compartment about two or three feet from Jack’s almost expressionless face. He had a rather placid, perhaps slightly quizzical countenance as he calmly floated there in the boiling water with the roar and din of the falls all around us, probably still trying to figure out just what the hell had happened. I must have sounded like a gray whale surfacing when I came up, what with the amount and velocity of air exhalation and inhalation. I was sure glad to see him, though. Firstly, it meant that my head was above water for a change, and secondly that he was all right, and thirdly it meant my existence would not have to rely on the inebriated bozos on shore extracting me from the river and commencing resuscitation operations, interrupted, no doubt, with debates on proper procedures and, perhaps, another beer to study the situation.
I’m sure the debate would follow these lines:
Scott: " I think he’s sucked too much water and has been submerged too long- he’s a goner."
Jack: " I think we should try resuscitating him anyway."
Scott (the homophobic): " If you think I’m going to lock lips with him you’d better think again."
Dick: "Judy, would you go up to Steve’s boat and get me one of his cigars, please—make that all of his cigars."
Jack: "Say, while you’re up there could you get me a case of his beer while your at it- make that all of his beer."
Judy: "Hold on now. He may pull through this if someone would check for a pulse. Besides, I can’t carry 8 cases of beer by myself."
Scott: " I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t feel like rowing 200 pounds of carcass down the river."
Amy: "Well, we can’t just leave him here like that!"
Scott: "We won’t- I’m going to get my $100.00 life jacket off him and go through his pockets first- waste not, want not I always say, then we’ll bury him."
Jack: " I admire your frugality, Scott."
Dick: " That won’t work- it’s too rocky and the slope’s too steep and there’s a turd and a pile of toilet paper under every rock from here to the take out.
Jack: " Has anyone checked to see if his heart is still beating?"
Dick: " I don’t hear it beating. How about I break his leg and if he doesn’t twitch we’ll know he’s history."
Scott: "Forget it—I know a stiff when I see one."
Christy: "How about we tether him to one of the rafts and just float him down the river?"
Scott: "I don’t care to have no stinkin sea anchor attached to my boat when I go through Blossom Bar rapids."
Dick; " We could cut him loose just above the rapids and hope that he makes it through."
Scott: " That’s a fine plan, but what if he don’t? That’s why I’m going thru his pockets right now—waste not, want not, I always say."
Dick: " I, too, admire your frugality."
Christy: " And don’t forget to get your hundred dollar life preserver off of him Scott and put his cheap one back on him. You know, this frugal business is kind of "catchy". In fact, I don’t think I’m going to buy another airplane for awhile. What do you think about that, Honeybuns?"
Scott: " Now you’re making good business sense, Sweetpea. Speaking of which, did you take out that insurance policy on Steve like I told you to do?
Amy: "Aren’t we getting a little off track here? What are we going to do with this stiff? Oh, my god, I’m starting to sound like the rest of you! Stiff! I can’t believe I used that term. After all he IS your brother."
Scott: " WAS our brother—right now he’s two hundred pounds of pain in the ass and has ruined a good time being had by all."
Jack: " I’m getting hungry. Anybody else hungry? I think we could make better decisions on a full stomach."
Scott: " Agreed. Honeybuns, go see if Steve brought any steaks this time instead of 5 packages of hot dogs. Can’t see wasting a good steak because the bozo decided to drown himself. And bring me back one of his beers as well."
Jack: "Uhh…just a second there, Bub. I already staked my claim to his beer."
Scott: "You can take your "stake" and put it where the sun never shines."
Dick: " Just a minute, here, before we get too carried away. I think we should have an equitable distribution of his stuff. After all, we’re all in this together.
Scott: "Now listen here, Dick. The only ones deserving of Steve’s stuff would be his nearest, living relatives. Me and Jack are the nearest, no more than ten feet away for that matter, and we’re both alive as I speak. What I see here is a brown eyed, hooked nose towel head trying to horn in on the action."
Jack: "Amy, would you bring my chaise lounge over here, please. I’m getting tired of hunkering."
Dick: ‘You may not know this Scott, but this is a navigable water way falling under maritime law which states that any abandoned vessel can be claimed by anyone coming across it as well as it’s cargo."
Scott: " You may not know this, Abdul, but Steve’s liable to end up with some company in the here-after and you may find yourself floating wrong side up tethered to a raft for the rest of this trip if you don’t stop sounding like some kind of lawyer."
Jack: "I think we should stop this bickering and do what Steve would want us to do."
Dick: " Well, I think Steve would probably have wanted us to resuscitate him."
Scott: "A waste of time. And as far as "doing what Steve would want" , unless someone brought a Gypsy tent, crystal ball, ouija board and candles for the séance, I’m laying claim to half his stuff, beer included, plus my hundred dollar life jacket."
This conversation would probably go on along these lines until they broke for dinner.
Steve
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